Five Truths I’ve Learned in 50 Years
I reached a significant age milestone in 2021, and it helped me realize that I wouldn’t trade the folly of youth for the wisdom I’ve cultivated in a half-century
We are collectively marching toward the end of 2021, and ‘tis the season not just for obligatory family gatherings and champagne toasts, but also for year-in-review posts.
This is the annual time we writerly folks like to reflect on the significant events that happened in our lives over the course of the year and share what we learned from them.
Rather than jump on that bandwagon, tempting as it is, I wanted to single out just one major milestone I reached in 2021: I turned 50 years old in October.
This age for a woman is full of ambivalence. While many of us at this point have found our way in the world and give many less fucks about things that used to send us into an emotional spiral, aging, the dreaded menopause and the idea that we have already lived more than half of our projected lifespan loom large in our minds.
Turning 50 also has broader implications for a woman’s place in society at large. It’s no secret that we are overwhelmingly a society obsessed with the cult of youth — especially when it comes to women. That means we of the fairer sex reach some kind of expiration date on relevance to the world at large when we reach middle-age.
Marketers no longer try to sell us their products (unless they are to help us look or feel younger); men don’t generally want to fuck us; and unless we’re hot moms, teachers or some other type of motherly caregivers, we’re largely unseen and exiled to the corner of society reserved for perimenopausal women.
Of course we are important to those in our personal orbit and our communities, and many of us who chose a career path are valued in our professional lives. But there is that inevitable feeling that whispers in the corners of women’s mind when they turn 50 that the best years of their lives are behind them.
Don’t Believe the Hype
I’m here to say that this is simply NOT TRUE. For many women, turning 50 be one of the most powerful milestones in their lives and can often signify a fresh start. Thankfully, the times are slowly starting to change and society also is beginning to take notice.
The actress and now entrepreneur Brooke Shields, 56, for instance, has launched a new online community and website called Beginning is Now catering to woman over 50. The Sex in the City ladies are back with a new series, And Just Like That…, which depicts the women navigating the complexities of middle age with their usual style and swagger.
Generation X movie queen Julie Delphy also created and stars in a wonderful TV series focused on women in their mid-to-late 40s called On the Verge that unapologetically depicts women going through their own unique variations of mid-life crisis, complete with newfound sexual vitality.
I’m happy to see this mainstream focus on middle-aged women, especially because we have been historically under-represented, and this is truly a shame given the inherent value that we have and the ingenuity and grace we bring to the world.
For mothers, many women in their 50s are starting to see their children into adulthood. This gives them time to reclaim their own identity, which often becomes lost in the commitment to raising children that motherhood requires. They realize what they want out of the rest of their lives, and often launch new ventures or embark on fresh starts to take them in that direction.
For women like me who have chosen not to have children (or don’t have them for other reasons), 50 is an age that can bring other kinds of renewal. I can say I personally have been fortunate enough to not have sacrificed too much of my true self along my life’s journey, but this may not be true for women who have been in abusive or toxic relationships.
Middle-age then can be a time when women let go of such toxic patterns and begin to reclaim the confidence, trust and faith in their own ability. For myself personally, I know I had these feelings in spades when I was much younger, and far more foolish — basically too young to know any better.
My 30s and 40s saw me navigating my career, a series of difficult relationships, the untimely loss of my mother, and consequent therapy to work through all of this as well as childhood trauma and the depression and anxiety that ensued. I lost my confidence in myself through these years of uncertainty and doubted my own self-worth and whether I deserved to be happy.
Woman, Reborn
But toward the back end of my 40s, I’d healed much of this inner pain and realized the value I have as a woman who has chosen to live a somewhat unconventional life. I have come out on the other side of 50 with renewed confidence and trust in my own voice and its assertive navigation of my life.
It’s this reclamation of my inner wisdom that led me this year to launch Mermaid Mentoring, my business as a therapeutic writing mentor for women. I realized that my talent as a writer, innate intuition and unique life experience can be used to guide others toward healing and transformation.
Indeed, I have a friend who is a yoga teacher and woman’s mentor as well as a hot grandma in her 60s who just launched a podcast called Three Crones aimed at specifically shattering the myth that women lose value when they age.
The premise is that we women gain value as we get older and become elders, or and “wise women” of the world that have stepped truly into our authentic selves. It is our great responsibility and gift at this time to create a legacy and share what they’ve learned to help pave a smoother path for younger generations of women on the rise.
While I’m just stepping into my 50s, I can totally relate to this idea of living more authentically and having more innate wisdom than I ever have, and wanting to share the knowledge gained from experience with other women.
It was through reflection on this idea and envisioning the way forward for Mermaid Mentoring that I realized five truths about life, which I shared on my Instagram account (@mermaid.mentoring) in celebration of my birthday in October.
Without further ado, here they are to mark the end of 2021 and wish you all an authentic transition into 2022, whatever that means for you:
№1: If there is drama in your life, it’s you who is responsible.
You may not believe this. You may think it’s the universe that’s out to get you. You may think it’s everyone else creating drama and stirring up shit around you. But, girlfriend, I’m here to tell you, it’s all your fault.
Look deeper, and know that if there is something messy or difficult happening, it’s because you want it to be happening. If you’re crying every day because of something someone did to you, it’s because you let them take your power away and do it. If someone is harshing your vibe, it’s because you are letting his or her behavior affect you.
But, hey, that’s OK. It’s no reason to wallow in self judgment or pity. It’s a learning experience, and we love those, right? It’s an opportunity to take personal responsibility for your life, which is the ultimate freedom.
And that’s the good news.You have the power to put an end to the drama. You can take charge and decide who and what energy to let into your life. You can even get rid of the people in your life who tend to be at the center of the drama. It’s YOUR story, and you can write it any way you want. And that’s when all the magic happens
№2: How you feel about yourself is constantly going to be reflected back to you in your interactions and relationships with others.
You know that expression, what you put out you will get back? It’s true. That’s why getting your relationship with yourself right as soon as you can is one of the most important things you can do to have an easier and happier life.
I used to hate the way I look — so much so that I would never have wanted anyone to see a full-body photo of me like that one you see at the top of this blog post. I would have found everything I could that is wrong with my body or my face or the photo to avoid sharing it with anyone.
The difference between now and a few years ago is I have a much more loving and compassionate relationship with myself. And as an unexpected yet welcome byproduct, I see everyone and everything through this lens.
That’s because loving and appreciating you also helps you love and appreciate everything else so much more. Once you genuinely treat yourself with loving kindness, you will also treat others that way. This love also will be mirrored back to you — and even during times it isn’t, you won’t feel as maligned as you may have previously.
Depending on the confidence instilled in you as a child, trauma you’ve experienced and other factors, it may take time and inner work to build this self-love and confidence. But it can be done, and the reward it brings and changes you will feel is well worth the time and investment.
№3: The family you choose in life may seem more important than the family you were born into. And during certain times in your life, it is. But both families are equally important, and will ideally one day hold equal space in your heart.
Family can be a tricky thing. Not everyone is lucky enough to feel loved, appreciated and seen by their family.
Many are abused and mistreated by the people who are supposed to take care of them and protect them as children. Not everyone shares the same opinions, values and ideas about how to live life as their immediate family members. All of this can cause trauma, conflict, stress and friction.
That’s why the family we choose — close friends, partners and others in our inner circle — are essential to helping us build a community of support and love throughout our lives. Sometimes they are even lifelines if ties to blood family are cut or not possible to have (and in cases of persistent severe abuse or neglect, perhaps they can never be had). These families we choose become essential to our growth and well-being.
I struggled with my relationship with my family for many years. I am very different in temperament than them and have a very different lifestyle. Most of my personal identity and inner work was forged through the help of friends and trusted loved ones.
But in recent years I have come to a better understanding and appreciation for the family I was born into, and it’s brought me great relief and joy. Because there is something about the people who’ve known you since you were born that represents an innate security, comfort and unconditional love.
There have been times in my life when I was such a mess that only my family would put up with me. Even despite our differences they have helped me through some of my toughest times. And I’m happy to now feel that we share a similar understanding and respect as I have with the community I’ve created outside of my bloodline.
№4: Unless you’ve done something offensive or hurtful to someone (and you really should know if you did), how people treat you is usually about them, not you.
This consequently means that in most cases, taking it personally is a waste of valuable energy that could be directed toward something productive or nourishing that you can actually control.
It’s impossible to ever really know someone else’s perspective on a situation. This is the hilarious, poignant and impossible part of relating to other humans.
We all live in our own little worlds. Even if you know someone really well, you rarely, if ever, know what they are thinking, much less how they perceive a situation — unless they tell you, of course.
So if you find yourself being treated poorly by someone you didn’t hurt or offend for what seems like no reason, it’s probably not your fault. This is a notion that’s difficult especially for women to understand, as we tend to shoulder more responsibility than we should sometimes for the behavior of people around us.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t examine your actions in relation to someone who treats you poorly. We all need to be accountable for ourselves. It just means you shouldn’t dwell too much on it, beat yourself up about it, or use it as an excuse to feel bad. These situations are tough enough to deal with — no need to make it worse!
№5: You’re never too old to try something new or challenge yourself in a new way. In fact, maintaining curiosity and enthusiasm for new things even as one grows older is the key to keeping the mind and body sharp and active.
It’s also never too late to make a change in your life, fall in love, try a new career, go to college, heal a relationship that’s been fractured, or visit that place you’ve always wanted to go.
I speak from experience. I quit my secure full-time when I was 38 and moved from New York City to Portugal. I learned to surf when I was nearly 40 and met my life partner a week before I turned 45. Now at 50, I am a successful freelance journalist and writer and have launched my own therapeutic writing mentoring program.
Society creates an ordered timeline for how and when people should do things in their lives, and it especially likes to impose this order on women. But that is not how it always goes down. The only timeline you need to follow for how and when to do things in life is your own.